Making my case

Can I ask you for something? 

Can I ask you for your love? 

Your restoration, presence? 

I’m telling you my love

I love you 

my love 

I love

the I am 

the 

You 

You breathed life into me

First

And again,

life.

I was dead

In myself

Breathing heavy thick breaths

Void of spirit

Half alive

Sometimes

Lord of Lord’s

God of all

I’m asking for your love

My love

I’ve sat at your feet

Again and again

I choose you

Please choose me too

Sunflower

I have nothing to say

Nothing to feel 

but a weight 

I’ve swam through jello 

for years

I can barely write 

I thought I was doing good 

I was trying my very best 

I’m on my knees 

Why give me vain hope

Why let me waste so many years

Striving after wind

I’ve done so much wrong 

I was 

so wrong 

Fix me,

Lord,

Shine on me.

Clay again

Gooey mushy block of unmolded clay 

In the makers studio 

Abandoned in the corner

Collecting dust and hardening

It can’t cry out

they don’t understand each other

Different forms of language 

Communication is severed   

The maker sips coffee 

He’s bored rotten 

He yawns, 

Eats a blueberry muffin 

The clay is waiting

Sad 

Reaching out with its heart 

Wanting to be brought to life

But time is ticking

And all it can do is wait 

Don’t die 

Don’t die 

Wait on the maker 

Painting titles

1 Dreamweaver, Spellcaster

You shot me down, 

Spellcaster. 

Lay down your magic hand, 

I surrender. 

2 Perfect Idol 

You can’t even imagine 

What I see.

Everything in you 

Every movement, thought, feature, feeling. 

Perfect 

Perfect! 

3 Orpheus and Eurydice 

Rodin and Camille 

Heaven and Hell 

Angel 

I love you 

Either way 

4 Mr. Lemon 

I want you 

I need you 

I feel 

Pathetic, crazy, happy 

5 Every good and perfect gift….  

Something isn’t right

Something is wrong

I bent my beliefs for you

I did what I shouldn’t  

Do you even care?

Why don’t you love me

Still? 

6 Sword of the spirit 

It is written. 

7 I love you Camille, bye. 

Lonely again,

Life is awful again,

  I want to see you again. 

Bound by works

Universal love. God’s love. Where have you been all along as I’ve been following the laws of the book. The only thing that matters. Cozy, ever present, all creative love.

I’ve missed you. It’s been a while. Don’t go away. Never leave me. Let me swim in the spiritual ocean of ever present love.

There’s been a rock in my chest. My heart has been of stone. I’m starting to remember, slowly what you are. I found you a while ago and I lost you when I was saved. Now how does that make sense?

You intangible wave.

Can I love you? You dip me in holy warm waters. You make me love others more, and yet let them go freely. Detached but forever present ocean.

You make my body vibrate, come slightly alive again. It’s been heavy. The rock is still here. The rock of unfulfilled dreams. The rock of evil loops. The rock of lost love. The loneliness of hyper independence.

Oh love.

Oh my ocean.

My holy waters.

You are abounding. I swim as a baby in the belly. I float. Perfect peace. Perfect warmth.

You are a wave.

Love.

An abundance of calm ever present, omnipresent peace

I don’t want any other spirituality but you.

Love.

I radiate you to out of my heart to all. Don’t let me be bound by laws. Lord.

Don’t let me forget.

Three Dreams of June, Fulfilled

Dear June I’m ready to die. Lay me down. You’ve answered my prayers.

A Higher Love, God’s gift

This is word vomit.

God allowed you in. When we met I told you how I feel nothing for anyone. You showed me how to feel. I haven’t felt in years. You brought me back to life. I love! I’m alive. I love you. Unselfishly. For the first time.

Now I’m not sure if you’re a test. I’m not sure who sent you, but God allowed you in.

You took care of me. No one ever has. Never in my life have I been taken care of. Dear lord. I’m so happy to cry. I’m so happy to ugly cry. I’m so happy for my entire face to puff up and turn red. I’m so happy to be blowing my nose. You are perfect.

Oh lord why aren’t you saved?

You’re so talented and interesting and divinley created. Beautiful child. Heavenly beauty. Rich soul. God’s hand is in the molding of you.

You showed me kindness in the midst of my insanity. You showed me.

I keep hoping you will run to me and tell me you love me. I keep hoping you will run and confess to me how desperate you are, how you need me, how you don’t want a second on this earth without me. I selfishly want all of your time. I want to be with you all of the time. You’ve got me feeling so to the point I’ve turned evil.

I want you to come over. I want you to want me, and you don’t and I selfishly want to manipulate you with my tears . I want to be with you. You don’t need to be with me. I’m so happy. I’m so happy. I feel. I’m humbly unrequited. I’m happy to be. I’m so happy to cry, finally. After all these years.

I keep doing you wrong and you keep loving me. Your love is humbling. This must be how god's love is. He keeps loving. A higher love, not a possessive love. A giving love. I’m so grateful. I’m so weak. I yell at you and you love me. You speak kind words. You’re the baby. And you taught me. unconditional love, friendship, kindness.   

You were my dream of June. You brought me my dream. Warmth, happiness, true love. A higher love.

I love you. I thank you forever sweet one.

Gates .

hit me so I can feel 

hit me to take away the pain 

I want you to hurt me, I want to suffer for you

slap me, thrust into me till I bleed

give me love

give me what I know 

give 

until I’m numb

until I’m swollen 

wrap your fingers around my neck

and squeeze, 

almost let me 

get there

sweet release

death 

sweet death 

I love life 

I love my life

take a rope around my ankles 

violate me 

then kiss me 

fully and passionately 

make me feel 

make me stop feeling 

give me pain 

attention 

love

I’m not sure

beat me 

control me 

hurt me 

Pull my hair

bend me over something sharp 

take your nails and scratch into me, scar me

Perfect

hurt me for hours

hurt me for days 

I am your slave 

each night come to me and take me there

right on the edge 

of conciousness

what a beautiful gift

life is…

Three Dreams of June

Dear June, you bring me hope that I try to upkeep with my whole heart. I’ve failed so many times. I don’t even want what I want anymore. I hold my last hope cupped in my hands with forced illusion and gentleness. You’ve given me this opportunity for my art but I don’t know if I can upkeep this wish. I don’t know if I can keep pretending to believe. I try.

Dear June I’m lonely. I’m tired of my romantic idealism. I keep dreaming of your warm wind and skies that turn to blue to pink. The grass moving softly like any other grass, making you forget it was planted and false. The freedom tower standing sweet and unimaginative. Looming. I can almost see my love. The love you promised me, June. The love you keep promising before you leave me dry. I’ve been dreaming a long long time. I can’t let go of the innocence of my mind.

Dear June, I want to eat cake and get drunk. I don’t want to be an ascetic anymore. Every time I have the tiniest bit of worldly ‘fun’ I’m punished. My soul is so eager and alive, it’s hard to take. I just need a light hearted break.

I keep getting played by your illusion. My sweetness has become my burden. For once can you bring something to me..

June, please, this time please, June.

Where are you J S??

Do you remember me? Tuesday April 11th 2023. Walking in a dream, with strength and fear. Softly through the streets in my own world like an apparition. Floating. My hair was white. My pants had dark flowers on them. You were leaving madison square park and I was entering. We passed each other by when we crossed the street. Something so surreal you couldn’t write it up. As the cars rushed by, the city stopped. Time slowed as our eyes met. It’s true. A moment of God. A moment of stillness in hell. The universe in your eyes pulled me in with a sweeping gravitational force and beauty. The beauty in you is unimaginable. Your eyes were full and tragic, they had depths I’ve never seen. They looked at me like I’ve never been looked at before. In awe. In understanding. Enlightened. We recognized each other in the sea. Me, the baby. You the gorgeous monster beast. God is good!

All our lonely years gone for 3 seconds in time. It’s been a year now. I know you but you never knew me. You’re a big star, I watch your interviews.

The light shouldn’t have changed so fast. There shouldn’t have been so many people swarming and rushing. I was in a rush. I needed to get to my interview and I was in shock. I lost you. I love. I miss you somehow. Is this even possible?

I agonize over your eyes. I’m desperate.

All these perfect men chase me but my heart is dead. When I think of you I transfigure. I turn into the joyful child I was. With so much love and sweetness. With an understanding of connection. I want to be with you!!!! Where did you go?

You visit me in dreams. When I wake I’m enveloped in darkness called reality. But in dreams I visit you, in dreams we love each other. That’s real to me.

I think about how you looked at me. I’ve never felt so massively perfect. You kind of squinted in awe. You really were captivated and drawn in. Truly frozen in the crowd. I know you saw in me what I see in you, the vast expansive depth of a soul. So beautiful. So fresh and endlessly interesting. Perfection. I see such beauty in your eyes… the word beauty is like a grain of sand. There of course is no stupid word.

I don’t know how to reach you. And maybe this romantic ideal is better than if we were to meet…

You’re my ghostly love. The one I feel is there when I’m alone. In some other realm yet somehow you’re still with me. Can we align? Can we meet in 3D touch taste sound world. Please. This is the breath of life. One was never meant to exist. I want 2.